Pep Talk

It might sound absurd to anyone in a career outside of academia.  But, I’ll just be brave right now and put it out there.  My feelings about a science career change absolutely every day.  Going through PhD school, this might have been the case, but I was so concerned with every last detail of bladder anatomy, spinal cord pathways, and however the habenula connects to the stria medullaris thalamicus, that I didn’t notice.  In learning all of those details, I was (overall) enjoying myself and following a path, feeling like I was getting somewhere.  But it seems to me that, at least in myself and my own science friends, there comes a point (or two or twenty) where you are lost.  No sense of a path.  You are left to discover, and discover you must, in order to feel successful.  You have a fuzzy sense of betrayal, although you are not sure who betrayed you, when it happened, or how. 

Personally, I made myself very tired getting that PhD.  And soon after, I embarked on a post-doc that I thought I should sure be well qualified for, having that fancy PhD and all.  But of course, it’s science.  It’s academia.  It has its perks, but is also completely unpredictable.  Dependent upon luck. 

And in my case, the post-doc research is not nearly as lucky as the PhD work.  Try as I might, none of my own ideas have really panned out.  The angst was really taking over for a while.  I can see now that I had way-too-high expectations for the post-doc.  I confounded the angst with a sense of entitlement.  This is the thing:  in order to get through the PhD, I told myself I was getting such a specialized degree in order to get a career that really suited me.  Putting in the work then, it was certain that I would be happy later.  I assumed it would be the next step that would be so great.  I probably expected my post-doc to be sunny, productive, friendly, easier.  This was very silly, but maybe forgivable. 

Now, pessimism was never my style.  It’s been creeping in for a long time now.  Holding off on “life”, never really letting go on the weekends, forgetting to enjoy hikes with your friends because you’re writing a thesis and are anxious to get back to it...  You might know the drill.

So, PhD students and post-docs, and anyone struggling in their “pathway” to their dream career, here’s what I’m thinking: there is no pathway.  It might look that way on paper, but I’ll bet very few professors, or professionals in any field, really ever knew what they wanted to be at nine years old (I wanted 5 PhD’s, remember?), then followed every exact step to that point without a moment of doubt.  Or a few years of being broke.  Or some heartbreak.  It’s supposed to be imperfect.  Life is not easy.  And having fantastic plans and a solid head on your shoulders doesn’t change that.  Of course, you should have goals.  But so many of us make the mistake of thinking that hard work will get you everything you ever wanted just exactly when you decide it’s time.  What I might be trying to say is: don’t sweat it. 

Don’t be surprised if you wake up one day, thinking that suddenly all of those things you were reaching for are out of reach.  This might not be the worst thing.  Did you think a great paycheck was the goal?  Maybe you’ll come home from work one day and get mail that informs you your money’s gone.  All of it.  This is not the worst thing.  Maybe you thought you needed a bunch of publications in order to know that you were successful.  And maybe, try as you might, those publications were not accepted, were never written, or the data was never positive.  This is not the worst thing.  The worst thing?  Forgetting who you are. Forgetting what you have to offer outside of that chosen path.  A path is important, but really, your path might be leading along a gorgeous shoreline, or through a close forest, and you might be too busy looking down in the dirt for your paper, or the money you lost!  You’d miss the sound of the waves, you’d miss seeing the passing ship, you’d miss the hazy summer blue sky, the songstress birds up in the trees. 

Stop and think.  Could it be that at one point you already were successful?  Perhaps, there were a few months back in school where you were on top of the world, full of dreams, not a tiny bit of doubt that you would make it to the exalted heights, the place you always wanted to be.  You were happy.  Your friends were around.  You knew you had it all.  Remember.  You didn’t realize it then, but you had success.  You were giving it your all.  It might be that success is just that simple.

You know what skills you have.  You know what you want to do.  It’s true that you have talent.  Don’t let experiments and setbacks make you feel like you don’t.  Do not waste your time.  You are attempting one of the most difficult things that there is to do.  You are trying to make a completely new discovery, with unperfected techniques, on your very own.  You have learned as much as you can in your field, and now you’re on the frontier, moving the field forward.  Silly scientist, this is no easy task!  Don’t forget to be proud of how far you’ve gotten.

If happiness is not your ultimate goal, then we won’t be understanding each other. J  But if it is, here’s what I think: don’t convince yourself that outward signs of success are actual success.  Listen, deep.  Look at what you’ve done, who you’re close to, who you’ve met, think of the places you’ve loved.  Success will find you, and it might not look a damn thing like what you thought it would.  It doesn’t come quickly, no matter what silly degrees you might have earned.  But, keep listening.  No matter what, keep going in some direction, and just enjoy what there is to enjoy there, no matter what. 

If you’re feeling lost, you just might find yourself again in a simple moment. 

I’m still believing that hard work works, after all.  Just at a slower pace than I had anticipated.  And it might take me in a completely different direction than I had anticipated or been prepared for.  And that’s OK.